Are you ready to be fully independent and focus on yourself, no matter how much pressure you’re under?

I asked myself that on a pretty chill day. Nothing was wrong. The thought just showed up out of nowhere, and I wanted an answer before it was too late.

I think a lot of us in our 20s are asking it quietly. We’re figuring things out in a society where efficiency has become the norm, and it can feel like there’s no time to ask who we are without it.

So I started with a smaller question: do I seek recognition because I lack it, or because I left it unresolved?

The Greatest Achievement

When I was a kid, I got praised for the simple things. Helping clean the dishes. Cleaning the front porch. Doing well in school. I only did those partially, not even close to perfect, just precise enough to be considered good. It still felt like the greatest achievement, and it made me proud. Who doesn’t want to be praised as a kid?

Even adults seek it. So what’s the difference? Probably just age. At the end of the day, we feel things the same way in a situation, no matter how old we are.

As I grew older, I started noticing things, which is normal. Experiences shape you before you even catch yourself being absorbed in them. And at some point I realized I should start building independence, so I wouldn’t fall deeper into the void of dependency.

A Different Kind of Seriousness

The pressure was too overwhelming to ignore. It didn’t show up in one place. It showed up everywhere, once you reach an age where you need to be serious about something. I’m not saying kids aren’t serious. But adulthood has a different kind of seriousness I can’t explain.

It’s like this: when you’ve got too much external dependency, your internal dependency has to catch up to balance out that weight.

I used to think being independent meant going home alone, walking up to the cashier by yourself, buying things with your own earnings. But it wasn’t only that. It was something deeper. I don’t think we can call someone independent by what we see on the surface. It’s also what they do behind closed doors. It’s how they handle things when everything gets overwhelming. Do they still wait for others, or do they already know how to handle it themselves?

Walls and Ladders

For me, walls are about how deeply we attach ourselves to others compared to ourselves. It’s a balance between those two things. A normal wall is when they’re even. A higher wall is when you feel something, but little or no reciprocation ever comes back.

Someone once praised my intelligence, and it made me anxious. It was the imposter syndrome, the same feeling as that kid doing the dishes: precise, but not perfect.

“Nobody’s perfect” never helped me. My ego always argued back.

The ladder is patience and effort. Distance doesn’t matter, since it can’t be the excuse.

I know I’m living in those walls. Afraid would be an understatement.

Catching Up

I had received so much external validation growing up. So to overcome that dependency and become a truly independent woman, I thought I needed 2x more internal validation than the external validation I got during my childhood.

If the 2x idea doesn’t work, I’d be stuck in a state of dependency on things other than myself.

So catching up means something different. It means accepting the external things, but being aware enough to know which ones deserve to stay and just be appreciated for being there.

I’m not even at the “precise enough” level yet. I’m somewhere lower, but near it.

And if you’re where I was, I want you to have slow days. I want you to accept them without feeling guilty or undeserving. At the end of the day, rest is part of our nature. There are things in us that also need to rest, and we’re allowed to treat them that way as human beings.

You’re Not Alone

Validation gets confusing when you’re used to receiving it from others more than from yourself. And the opposite is true too.

I believe too much is never a good thing. This isn’t about greed. It’s something deeper: losing one part of you because the other part gets too overwhelming. And losing a part of you is already losing yourself.

Don’t worry, you’ll find what’s lost. I’ll be cheering for you while I’m still finding mine. You’re not alone. The universe has your back, and it’s waiting for you to start prioritizing things for the greater good.

.aletheia